Sup Sundy Besters?
We just got back from touring in The Rocky Mountains. Sorry we missed a week… but holy shit… Colorado hits.
We’ve been working tirelessly to get our book done so the blog has taken a turn for the less intense as of late. We are happy to report that we are ALMOST done with edits and the book is on schedule to be released OCTOBER 4- WOOOO. You can get it here
Lord we are pumped. We are also pumped because this means we can get back to some serious (not super serious) blogging. Next week we will surely tackle some dense and difficult political topic with biting wit and aplomb and no doubt change lives whilst capturing hearts. But now, after having stood shirtless on a mountain top screaming at a bald eagle “You’re glorious but you AIN’T BETTER THAN ME,” we wanna do something specific:
In the spirit of the Olympics, today we honor the world’s rednecks.
How’d we come up with such a wonderfully satirical and pointed topic? Well… the elevation mess they warn you about is the real deal. If you decide to come up here, take that into consideration before you start pounding beers like you’re training for boat season. Also, those gummies…
We saw some hittin-ass lakes, ran through a marsh with our shirts off, and Trae even got him a new pair of fancy boots to wear at our show at Ullrs Tavern (we still don’t know how to say it) in Winter Park, Colorado.
So after running shirtless through the mountains drunker than a rabbit on a merrigoround, we had one of them top of the mountain epiphanies you read about in them Oprah book club books – Colorado is RED as hell.
Now this wasn’t exactly earth shattering news- the idea that Colorado, a state the has told the feds to fuck off in regard to certain laws and seems to be made mostly of evergreen trees, has a lot of rednecks and redneck shit, isn’t surprising. Of course they do. But something we have championed as a philosophy if not life code for some time now is that everyone is a little bit red once you get em to loosen up a bit (except Ryan Seacrest who is like if the state of Connecticut became a person and got tan). So we got to thinking – who else has rednecks? Are they good or bad ones? Who are the world’s rednecks?
*Before we begin, PLEASE understand that we are about to make jokes about redneck tendencies of certain countries and people. When we make these jokes, we aren’t in any way saying these things apply to ALL people in these places. If you see something about a country or people you identify with and think “HEY I AIN’T LIKE THAT. THIS IS OFFENSIVE.” Please know that a) we ain’t talking about YOU, b) This is EXACTLY what we’ve put up with our whole lives having to be associated with the reddest of our neighbors and citizens, and C) get over it.
Without further ado, the world redneck awards.
WORLDS WORST REDNECKS:
First of all let us say that by worst we don’t mean the worst at being red. We mean just the worst generally. So it wasn’t hard to decide – the worst rednecks in the world reside in Alabama.
Just KIDDING. Lol. IT IS CLEARLY RUSSIA.
Did y’uns see this Russia Mess? The International Paralympic Committee decided, last Sunday, to ban the entire Russian Paralympic team due to their participation in the use of performance enhancing drugs. This after most of Russia was already kicked out of the Olympics as well.
The Paralympics? Word? That’s right, y’all, the Paralympics.
Now off top, we firmly believe that if you are Paralyzed in any way, shape, or form, you ourt be able to do what ever kind of drugs you want, and some two leg having old piece of shit who has damn near eaten his fat ass to death since joining Congress in 1974 can shove it up his ass if he feels different. Fuck him.
But this ain’t about how drugs are in America… this is the Paralympics.. A high level sporting event that people take very seriously…. especially fucking Russia apparently.
Not sure about you guys, but a group of people willing to shoot up a wheel-chair basket ball player with steroids just to bring the Gold back home to their country… at’s some red-ass son’s of bitches.
Russians are red and they are the worst.
Firstly, both are full of folks who absolutely love to get hammered. Like it was their god damn job. Russians of course take the lead on this one on account of their choice in turnt juice is high octane liquid taters (Vodka) , and ours is watered down beer that was already sortly weak to begin with. Actually fuck that, ours is whiskey and moonshine but that still means Russia is worse, clearly.
Second, Russia used to be the USSR and had a lot of other states in it. Russia is called the “motherland,” so that sortly makes them other countries her kids. Russia has lost all these kids- if losing ya kids ain’t redneck, then we don’t know what is.
Finally, they hate queers, love guns, have a shirtless leader who rides horses, love fucking shit up, like bears, wear stupid hats, hate women, and have accents you can’t get in trouble for making fun of.
So all that is to say Russia is red as hell, but it is a lot of the awful parts of being red. Not all Russians, of course – but y’all get it – the red ones.
WORLDS COLDEST REDNECKS
These motherfuckers. Canada is quite clearly red as hell, at least from what we can tell. They wear plaid, drive trucks, drink the shit out of beer, set shit on fire over sports, and the god damn Trailer Park Boys is from there. C’mon now.
And you ever SEEN the god damn deer (we know they’re called mooses or whatever) they got up there? The only thing that could make a Georgia redneck more jealous than them deer would be if they put cheese and gravy on tate-OH WAIT. They have poutine.
Yeah, Canada’s red. And cold. Hits too.
WORLDS PARTYINEST REDNECKS
Australians party. Hard. Drew lived there and can attest to it- beers and barbecues. “Let’s put another shrimp on the barbie” is the reddest non-southern saying of all time. It was made popular by Paul Hogan (a guy famous for his cowboy hat and a big ass knife).
Also, if the crocodile hunter is at all an example, they apparently also love to literally just jump on the backs of crocodiles and scream non-sense while laughing. Goddamn that’s a red ass party. They love doing this so much that they have turned it into a reality television show.
Plus, you ever heard of dingos? They just have wild dogs running around. Look, the only places we’ve ever seen wild dogs runnin around is the trailer park and the land down under. They’re red as hell. And they love to barbecue, drink, and party – they deserve this award.
WORLDS HOTTEST REDNECKS
Anyone in the south will tell you, if there is any minority that we have sortly accepted (not really, but we are trying), it is the Mexicans. They come to the south, they work hard, they love having babies, and they love Jesus – even the worst of us down here seem to love that shit.
What makes them rednecks? Look, there are two types of people who wait in a home depot parking lot for 3 hours: A mexican looking for tile work, and a redneck trying to get pills. If laying tile, painting houses, and tending to a garden ain’t red, red ain’t shit.
No OF COURSE we are not saying these are the only jobs Mexicans hold. Not at all. We are simply acknowledging that there is a redneck faction to the Mexican culture and it hits.
They love fried food, they love horses, they put cheese on top of everything and have bands consisting of just three guitars… no bass, no drums… three fucking acoustic guitars. Hits all day.
Boots, Jeans, Rodeos, hell… we might fry beans.. but them mother fuckers do it twice.
We understand that siestas are a real thing they sometimes partake in. We aren’t 100% sure that naps qualify as explicitly red, but we like em, so it counts.
And thus concludes our silly game and fake award session. Please tune in next week where will hopefully be mostly back to our regularly scheduled programming. Love y’all. Also, goddamn what about Micheal Phelps? Go America!
Also, if you missed this week’s New York Daily News video from Trae, here it is….