Hey y’all. This Trae on the intro. Welcome back to Our Sundy Best. So uh…a funny thing happened to me on the way to the blog this week. That video of me shirtless on my back porch just hollerin into the damn void has somehow reached ~19 million views (and counting). That is….I mean……hot damn, y’all.
I figured all these years of literally every cheer mom and cool dad I know pronouncing it ” Tar-zshay” would, if anything, turn Target into some kinda scared French bread shop, but I stand corrected. I guess it made it a classy establishment – with balls. Well done!
But your Aunt Tammy sure is gonna miss the big red box store. And why wouldn’t she? What a magical place it is.
First of all she is gonna miss buying a latte and a hot dog on the way in at the Pizza Hut/Starbucks/minor league baseball concession stand restaurant. Has there ever been a more “one of these things is not like the others” situation? What IS that?
“Here are two international and well known establishments you know and love and also this place that sells carnie food.”
Aunt Tammy always gets her grande no-fat soy latte one sugar and “please spell my name correctly” before she starts shopping. The caffeine makes her feel alive and she won’t apologize for that. The carnie food hot dog is just her special little treat. She’s had a weak spot for them since she was a little girl because she’s always thought talking to carnies counts as having minority friends. Plus it’s is the only thing she’ll eat today until she allows herself half a salad to go with a whole bottle of white zinfandel she will have while watching the Good Wife and being ignored by your Uncle Jim.
I’d like to point out that I do carry some sympathy for the folks who are boycotting Target. It must be hard to be that angry all the damn time. And the real tragedy is they’re likely gonna die that way – mad. Imagine walking around your last day on Earth just FURIOUS about where “sissy boys are peeing” instead of loving your family. Your heart skips two beats on account of all the fried food you’ve said “yes” to throughout the years and bam, heart attack. Your last thought was “damnit all to hell why can’t they just be normal?!”
Aunt Tammy is also gonna miss the little dollar kids section near the front of the stores. Walking by it wistfully, she always thinks about how she wishes her kids would get married and give her grand kids, so she’d have someone in her life who isn’t too cynical to love her. It probably wont happen. Judith, her daughter, is a career woman living in Atlanta and let’s be honest, kind of a slut. At least that’s what the ladies at church say when they think Tammy can’t hear ’em. But a slut on birth control.
Now her son, Billy, well, no one is trying real hard to marry a grown man whose greatest ambition is to “own a sweet speed boat” and wear a Fox Racing T-shirt every day. Tammy figures if he did have kids it would be with some Waffle House waitress who would just try and get all of her money anyway. I mean it’s Jim’s money on account of she don’t work, but they share everything, except loving embraces.
Sigh. She sure will miss that section.
Personally, I just can’t fathom what the endgame is for boycotting Target. They’re so successful they could adopt a “pee on whatever you want in front of everyone” policy and sales might dip a dollar or two. I can hear corporate now:
“Boss, some folks are saying they won’t shop with us anymore because of the bathroom thing.”
– “Is it affecting sales?”
“Well sales of Nicholas Sparks books have frozen, but we literally can’t keep glitter, high heels, or cheap lipstick on the shelves.”
– “It’s the drag queens, Johnson. I knew they’d save us. That’s why I’m the Boss. Now bring me a steak.”
More than anything, what Aunt Tammy will miss is the Target culture. That’s right the CULTURE by God. Target wasn’t for just anyone, it was for HER and her ilk. Meandering through the aisles a slow clip, checking for sweet deals, Target is where she and her kind came to fellowship.
“Is that Sally,” she’d think to herself trying to focus her eyes across the Boys section to the edge of the Electronics. “She looks like she has gained weight. I’m gonna go talk to her.”
Talking to Sally, laughing with Gail from the women’s prayer group about Karen from the women’s prayer group, and just feeling at home – that’s what Target was to her. The poorer women would hurry right to the clearance rack. And good for them. It isn’t their fault their husbands aren’t as successful as Jim is, with his construction business. Sure he’s out of town a lot, and there was that time she broke into his phone that she’s blocked out of her mind forever, but at least they have security.
Of course, the biggest irony of this whole thing, and why Aunt Tammy KNOWS the Devil is involved is that, she sure is gonna miss the bathrooms. The stalls were spacious, the antibacterial floors were clean, and lighting made her look skinnier. How is she supposed to feel calm and relaxed in there now knowing some freak is next to her probably rubbing his genitals to a Broadway musical? To be fair, she loves her gay friend Danny, who is a bartender at the marina where Jim keeps the boat. He always tells her she’s pretty and one time she went to his drag show and that was fun. Those men were skinnier than her; but hell that’s half the problem.
There don’t need to be any freaks or pervs in that bathroom! It just isn’t fair. There was no better place in the whole world to vomit up that hot dog and also usually have to deal with what the coffee had done to her guts. She used to emerge from that bathroom lighter, brighter, and knowing she’d saved so much money on cleaning supplies she would have enough left over to buy a Xanax from Danny. Now, she’s just gonna be stressed and upset!
“I’ll just have to pray for America,” she thinks. “And shop at Wal-Mart, I guess.”
She shudders. “Now THAT is an abomination against God.”
On that, Aunt Tammy, we agree.
OSB editor note: apparently Corey has a real Aunt Tammy. He assumed we all did (which makes sense because who doesn’t?) and that the assignment was to just ask her how she felt about all this. Enjoy.
This whole Target mess has thrown my Aunt Tammy for a complete loop. “What’s this world coming to?” “This is the devil’s work!” “Why can’t I wear sweatpants to a funeral? Sumbitch is dead, he ain’t gonna know!” are things she has screamed at me this week between drags of Pall malls and cracking walnuts between her toes to show off her Beauty Pageant talent.
Target isn’t just a store for my Aunt Tammy, it’s a sign of class. It is a symbol for those who are proud to be past their Wal-Mart roots.. Because Target is for people who used to go to Wal-Mart but have since had their husband Terry win a settlement when the conveyer belt at work took his ring finger. Target is as much a social club as it is a hub for Stepford Wife Commerce. Target is the equivalent of a men’s locker room for women. That’s why all Targets put the electronic section in the back of the store – it draws the men away from what’s really going on. While we are in the back drooling over the fact that the new Expendables dropped on DVD, the women are up front having a Bottled-Blonde Illuminati meeting covering such pressing topics like “How can we get him to put the seat back down?” or “How many body wraps do I need to sell before I can leave Corey and bang all his friends?”
I could go on and on, but hell, I’ll just let Aunt Tammy take over:
“I just don’t know whats wrong with this country. Aint like it was when I was a kid. Back in the good ole days, ya know? The world was such a wholesome place. You’d never have to worry about a man with some titties taking a wee-wee next to your baby girl. I mean, yeah, we was spraying black folks with water hoses but I mean shit, they knew they weren’t supposed to go in that restaurant and knowing them they probably needed a bath too. I just don’t understand it ya know? Now look, I aint a racist or a bigamist or whatever the shit it’s called, I just think there are some things that you should keep to yourself. I think it’s fine if you wanna tuck your ding dong in and squeeze into a halter top.. That’s fine, but keep it at home. Now given, I weigh 300 lbs and think it’s completely fine to wear bicycle shorts to a coffee shop while you’re trying not to puke up your biscotti, but I don’t really see what that has to do with the price of eggs in china.
Back in my day there wasn’t even such a thing as gay people.. And before you say anything, everyone knows Elton John didn’t start sucking weiner until the 80’s and save for his serenade of that British whore, his best work was behind him. It just wasn’t around, we had Jesus.. Something I know i’ll probably GET ARRESTED FOR SAYING.
Used to you could walk safely down the street without seeing two women holding hands, a bearded man in a dress or a Puerto Rican – but in the current state of Political correctness we live in it seems like we have traded our backbone in for a strap-on! Political correctness is what this all boils down to. I can’t go to my beloved Target anymore because a group of queer loving, participation trophy getting, complicated coffee ordering millennial fucks have decided to bend over backwards to make sure they don’t offend anyone.. It’s disgusting! Back in my day we were too busy making America great to give a shit about the rights of people who, let’s face it, hold us back in the pursuit of capitalism. Like people with polio… hell, if their parents had not conceived them at at a fondue/key party, maybe the lord wouldn’t have stricken their legs with the cripple.
I guess what I’m saying is that I’m going to miss having a place that I could gather amongst fellow like minded folk. People who understand that Jimmy Carter belongs in hell and that gluten free pasta was planted here by satan to convert our teenagers into faggots. I miss my Target. I miss my America.”
Ok yall, In my Aunt Tammy’s defense, Target used to be a lot different. If you had grown up going to the Target she went to you may feel a little bit differently about things, you don’t know. It’s a generational thing.
(^^^And that’s the same logic we use to defend our grandparents calling Obama the N- Word^^^)
Have a good Sundy, Yall!
I digress. My point is: guys honestly I don’t know much about Target. BUT I did marry a just exquisitely white woman:
Seriously y’all, I cannot express to you how white she is. I’m not making this up: far and away the biggest fight I have ever seen her and her sister have was over Kroger Fuel Points. That is the most White Woman thing that ever White Womaned. And I know that she does love Target; so…that’s about all I got.
But I also do know more than a few Aunt Tammies (read: shitty white women), and I know they have got to be just devastated right now. I can imagine them at their weekly Shitty White Woman meeting, where they gather to drink boxed wine and talk about whatever Nancy Grace is ruining at the moment (I assume). Then this comes up.
Sandra: Well I mean…let’s not get rash Brandi. They did just get a new Starbucks in there.
48 thoughts on “What Will Your Aunt Tammy Miss the Most About Target?”
I love this. All of it. And “Aunt Tammy” feels like 3/4 of the buttholes on my FB feed. Thank you for being part of the other 1/4.
You are changing hearts.
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Great stuff. I can’t stand the idea of even DRIVING through Alabama. Or Mississippi. Or South Carolina. There are just too many stupid people there who prefer being stupid. I’m a little woozy about Georgia. Even Florida’s full of flakes. And can we just give Texas back to Mexico? They don’t want it, either?
Loved your ‘bathroom’ video, BTW.
“Explaining reality to a dummy is like teaching a pig to sing; It’s a waste of your time and only annoys the pig.” (with apologies to Mark Twain)
“Musicians know they understand music, but tone-deaf people don’t know they’re tone-deaf.
Smart people know they’re smart, but dumb people don’t know they’re dumb.” (Hugh Jazscheens)
http://www.cw.ua.edu/article/2016/04/stop-using-mississippi-as-a-scapegoat-for-your-own-discrimination This might be worthwhile for you to read. As a very very very liberal human being from New Jersey, I have moved to Alabama and seen that 1. Shit’s just as bad up there, and 2. New Jersey cursing Alabama, or Alabama cursing New Jersey, isn’t going to change jack. So instead of complaining about bigotry, please call your state senator and be like ‘Don’t let Senator Shelby say anything during the next session” or support gay-owned business in the Deep South. Don’t curse us out, help us out.
I’m from Alabama. Not everyone from Alabama is like that. Actually, I’ve never met anyone there who WAS like that. You’re generalizing JUST like the people he is talking about!! Please don’t be so judge mental!!
GREAT STORY , WOULD HAVE PREFERRED A VIDEO THO……ROFLMFAO……LOL
Carnies as minority friends! “As a mother…” Buying Xanax off Danny. All so futilely white aspirational middle class. #dead
I really had a good laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. But man, I do wish we had some of your problems over here in South Africa. Our government was able to just declare gay marriage legal out here with relatively little fuss despite the fact that the vast majority of the country was against it. They could do it because we were all too worried about jobs and housing and AIDS to protest something as ‘minuscule’ gay rights. Shit like this never ceases to amaze me because it’s literally *protesting/boycottingjust because you think something’s icky.* How does an adult even do that and remain unashamed? Bizarre. These folk are bizarre. To think they think they’re normal.
“Brandi: I know! I mean it’s not like we can go into the family restroom with our kids, there’s no stalls in there!”
😂😂😂😂 that is a classic line❣
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Perfect! Much love to you guys from a redneck Nana who agrees with you 100%! So happy you are speaking out for so many of us southern bleeding heart liberal rednecks. Many of us are claiming braggin’ rights to ya…. 🙂
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Trae for President !!!
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I know so many people like this,spot on
Well shit !
I used to tell people that when I grew up I’m Alabama, that there were “cool rednecks” who were as funny as they were righteous.
Five states later, I finally have proof…just as I’ve moved to NC (where have you BEEN?? I NEED YOU!!).
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too funny! just discovered you like about a million other folks. Ur gonna be big, kid. Next George Carlin with a different accent. You sure beat the hell out of another southern comic that was around for a while–one of his go-to jokes when the crowd got quiet was: that’s as queer as shit on a mustache.
Isn’t that nice?
There’s another southern comic whose schtick is that he looks oriental and has a deep southern accent. He also gay baits throughout his act. These guys are deeply disturbed.
So thank you–a great breath of fresh air…keep it coming.
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My transgender son and I went to the BIG Target today ( We call it the big Target because it has a full size grocery department and the little Target has a very small grocery department). It was busier than I’ve seen it in a long time. I haven’t seen one post from anyone in Texas saying they are boycotting Target because of any bathroom issue. They’re to busy with basketball and the San Antonio Spurs to worry about who’s using what bathroom! But my good, god fearing relatives living in North Carolina, South Carolina, and pretty much anyplace in the South have been yelling and complaining about it and I know some of them don’t even live near a Target. Unhappy people are always looking for something or someone to complain about!
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There are many aunt Tammies’ in the world………..you know Target went out of business in Canada right? I just discovered you and I think yr. brilliant. I’ve had more arguments (discussions) over whether yr. accent is real that the trans issue itself. Up here we are a proud gay marryin’ pot smokin’ people. Hell, even the church has a rainbow……….IN the cities. Go to rural Canada AND IT’S JUST AS IG’NRT
Keep on Keepin’ on
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Be my daddy? Maybe you already are?
I cannot quit Target. I can’t. The reminder of the carnie food did give me pause, but I’m still good.
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The Aunt Tammys of society are what I used to affectionately refer to as “snotty mom club”. And ya’ll nailed it in such spectacular splendor. Hope you continue to enjoy a growing fan base 😀
Add me to the 99%. Keep’em coming and thx for being on the intelligent side.
Thought I was going to wet my pants over the “rubbing his genitals to Broadway music” part…I am peeing…and sadly…I am not at Target
I belong to a group of parents. All of us have a transgender child… we all LOVE your video! Thank you for possessing common sense!
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Thanks, y’all! And… Finally! So glad I found that BALLIN video, TC. Fuck if we liberals don’t need some loud mouthed, attention GETTING, on account of y’all being SPOT ON with your political holy ground, True-Truth spouting, funny-assed, shenan-loving, common sense-ers! It’s a great time to be ALIVE!
Thank you baby jeebus! (I’ve got a cousin Tammy bless her heart and kick her butt.)
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just found y’all this week….I’ve been a liberal redneck all my life here in tutal Alabama….my saving grace in this as backwards little town is we’re home to one of the best liberal arts colleges around……keep up the good works….as for Target…never shop there…too expensive for this poor gal….give me piggly wiggly and dollar tree and I’m a happy camper….on a last note….found you on youtube Trae….you’re hilarious!!!
Hilarious !!!!!!!!! REALLY !!!!!!! But, please, no Wal-Mart !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just discovered you via your viral video that’s made the rounds on Facebook. Love you and what you do.
Awesome post; I can’t stop laughing at the Queen of the Bitchy White Women. However, I did find the post a little misogynistic. The part about the woman not working so it isn’t her money? And the fat shaming seemed out of place. Still, nice piece, funny and profound. There’s always someplace else to shop for Baby Tristan.
Ellen, that’s what give liberals a bad name. We tend to be too PC about everything. Just enjoy the humor and move on. We needn’t get offended by every little thing!
So, basically, it’s OK to defend one marginalized group by making jokes about another? Standing up for what I think is giving all liberals everywhere a bad name? My original comment was intended as constructive criticism, nothing more. I was uncomfortable with that part, not offended; I still thought (and said) the piece as a whole was funny.
HA! Love it. I read this whole thing in a deep southern accent in my head and it was fantastic.
You voice is a dead-on amalgamation of most of my male cousins and uncles. And your comedy is more like gospel where I grew up. Reason enough to explain why I live far from my hometown.
You fuckers are funny!
Thanks for letting me know that there are still some delightful suprises that come out of a clear blue sky.
I boycott Walmart and K-mart in favor of Target because of their bathroom policies. I do agree with Aunt Tammy on one thing- whole wheat pasta sucks!
Agreed! It’s like shredding up a cardboard box and covering it with spaghetti sauce.
I live in a small community in Louisiana near the Texas border. So many of my neighbors are ate up with the crazy. I can’t tell y’all how sincerely comforting it has been to discover you in my FB feed. All is not lost. And there ain’t nothing sexier than a smart man with a twang. I look foward to your Sundy missives. Thanks.
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As an atheist Chicago Jew living 20+ years in TN, I am grateful for le break redneck wisdom!
I am sharing the hell out of this. Funniest shit I’ve read in a long time. Aunt Tammy, let me know how crow tastes when your kid comes out gay or Transgender.
Just found out about you today and I adore you! I hope you’re working on a standup tour. Where’s the PayPal button? I want to give you money for making me laugh so hard.
Why couldn’t you name her Tonya? 😭
Love your views . I shared your target video #fuckNancyGracetoo and lost a few “friends” but not an ounce of sleep over it.
we liberals usually respect others views to the point that we don’t argue about them and just let bigots stay ignorant. But you give us a hilarious voice.
The other Aunt Tammy
I know – right? From another “the other Aunt Tammy”😄
So I’m kinda sorta crushing on Trae. So’s my husband he’s a little worried. Any who as a white woman from NC, not those city places but deep in the mountains. That little county they put on TV that shows our fine upstanding citizens Ashe-by-God-fucking-county-y’all. Since my great escape I’ve found people back home don’t agree with my thought process. I’m now tainted. When attempting to discuss this target bullshit with him he got all grades of pissed. What the fuck is target, I ain’t never been to one, I don’t know what they have, no store is going force my wife and daughter to use the bathroom with a man, someun needs to shut thar asses down, if I can’t get it at the walmart I don’t need it, betcha they don’t carry my ol mil…..no pops you ain’t never been to a walmart, closest one is an hour and a half away, it’s kinda like walmart only nicer, dad mommas dead and I’m 40 years old and a 1000 miles away don’t think you have to worry about either of us and the bathroom and they might carry your ol mil ( old milwaukee beer in case you was wondering)
The conversation ended with him wondering if the target sold livermush like the walmart. We agreed that whatever store sells livermush is what needs to be boycotted. Who in the fuck cares where you pop a squat livermush consumption is the real fucking problem.
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I have just found a new way to express the way I feel about the world we live in, so thank you, guys! People suck. They can’t just mind their own damn business and leave everyone else alone. It’s absolutely LUDICROUS that there is such an outrage over this. Guess what? Trans people HAVE ALREADY been using the same damn bathroom as you – for many years. Yep… those “men who tuck their penis up and have boobies” are next to you RIGHT NOW trying not to let you hear them pass a bit of a wet one while you, my “friend”, let ‘er rip. Back off. Leave people alone. Mind your OWN business.
Oh, and? I’m ashamed to be from Indiana with our ridiculous laws and old, entitled white-dude government… but I’m even MORE ashamed of states who have passed idiotic laws like this one.
I’m a liberal, atheist, gay redneck from your neck of the woods, Bristol TN, by god! I don’t mean to slight Corey or Drew, but I have to say that I literally had tears streaming down my face from laughter watching Trae’s videos, which is how I found this blog. They came up on a gay website I go to (not the sexy kind!) and everyone there is raving about them.
Except, of course, for this ONE guy, and you know there’s ALWAYS be that one guy! And where is he from, swear to (figuritively) god, San Francisco!
“I don’t understand the attraction to these videos. It is because of his accent? Because that seems prejudiced!”
This was my response: “It’s really not that hard to figure out. His views are in complete opposition to the Southern stereotype, yet delivered in a way that is entirely Southern! I would be willing to bet that MANY of the people here saying “I love this guy!” ARE Southerners! And a lot of us have accents. I know I do! We don’t often get to hear our views presented in such a direct hilarious way, unlike people who live in notoriously liberal enclaves, oh, like perhaps…. never mind!
I guess you just either get it, or you don’t!”
Anyway, that whole discussion has gone from Southern accents, cooking, buffet restaurants (we don’t like ’em), being gay in the South, to how we are perceived because of how we sound. (Ok, there were a few parts that Trae might not wanna know about too!) I admit it, I sometimes play my accent up just to fuck with people’s expectations. “You ain’t read Richard Dawkins? Shee-it, yewd love him!”
It was a great discussion, one unusual in that kind of venue, being gay, Southern, having an accent, and actually proud of every bit of it! So I thank you for setting it off.
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So glad to have found all y’all… it’s a dad-blamed relief to hear other Southerners talking this way… other than just me and my sister over text, I mean. Looking forward to hearing what you have to say about TN’s new “therapist” bill.
Reblogged this on Jaye Em Edgecliff.
This whole issue would be over if this country had gender-neutral bathrooms. But women would hate that because either a) the toilet seat would always be up or b) the toilet seat would always be wet.
Southern Bashing has been a pastime of every person that has had the pleasure to meet my very darling, somewhat educated Volunteer husband (National Champion Graduate!- gawd, my children have worshiped peyton from West coast to East coast over the LORD! Oh hell! My favorite was folks from LA year back telling me he sounded “just like John Edward” ( of NC, right?) back in whatever election. NO! His Daddy is from N Georgia and his Mama is from Louisville (they say they Yankees?!) and now one sounds the same ever. My PBK redneck has a middle tennessee mix- So no, DNC, you will continue to marginalize the South with your generalizations. Trae, you are the redneck Dave Chapell. Be safe in your head.