This is issue one of SundyBest, where Trae and Drew answer silly questions about serious issues. Today we ask the question burning a deficit-sized hole in all voter’s minds: which candidate would win in an old fashioned knife fight.
Let’s get to it.
I hope these questions get harder because this ain’t even a debate for me. It’s Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz all day. A knife fight? And one of the options is a man who I’m reasonably certain has knife-murdered before? I mean look at the guy. Look at his eyes.
I mean it’s not like the competition is particularly stout. Bernie Sanders, Jew God love him, is a god damn muppet. Muppets don’t stab. He’s probably never held a knife in all his days; including kitchen knives, cause I’m pretty sure that sumbitch only eats soup.
To me the only competition here would be Hillary, and only because getting stabbed to death would probably cost her the White House (though I’d vote for her corpse over Donald Carny-Hands) and I feel like she’s made it pretty clear that FUCKING NOTHING will keep her from that house. I think she’d probably strap a bomb to BB-8 and send his ass rolling into St. Judes if it would clinch the race for her. That damn woman is GETTIN HERS, is what I’m saying.
So yeah. Drew makes an admirable case, and I would gladly take one of the other candidates in many other types of contests. But we’re not talking about who could garble the most sanctimony (Sanders), misuse the most “hip” slang words (Hillary), or inspire the most Hateful Boners (tossup between Hillary and Trump), we’re talkin about knife murderin, and when it comes to knife-murderin, give me Ted Cruz every damn time.
Knife fights are like political caucuses – no one knows exactly how they work and Bernie Sanders wins them every time. Every damn time. There is no other possible outcome. Bernie will win.
First of all let’s state the obvious: Bernie is an old ass Jew and Jews avoid death the way Beck avoids talking about Scientology. Jews eat all types of different breads, make good comedy movies, and they fucking won’t die. They’ve been alive longer than the mold in my Mammaw’s basement.
For proof, just take a look at the Bible. It’s an old ass book with a lot of different peoples in it. Only one of those peoples is still alive and kickin. And it ain’t the Corinthians. Are any Hittites still around, telling you you look tired and should rest more at a work function? No. Is anyone walking around Brooklyn in robes asking people if they are Philistines? Nope. Only Jews are doing these things. The Canaanites – dead. The Galatians – dead as the Dead Sea. The Thesolonians – ThesoDEADians. Hell even the Romans had to change their name.
Then of course there’s that whole Holocaust thing. And look, I don’t wanna be flip about one of the largest and most recent attempted genocides known to man. But you can’t ignore that word “attempted.” The Holocaust was terrible and sad and infuriating, but it also stands as a testament to the fact that Jews, as a people, like fucking being alive more than Donald Trump likes himself. And he likes himself a lot.
Bernie is gonna win this fight. His people been surviving knife fights since forever ago – Gypsy knife fights, Roman sword fights, German atrocities- get at them bro. Bernie is ready. He is prepared. He is kosher.
Now, let’s explore his opponents. Have you ever seen a sadder group of white people who weren’t related to each other? Yes I know Cruz is Latino, and I don’t want to sully any connection he feels to any brown community, but Ted Cruz’s name is fucking Ted. He’s white. And he’s awful.
They’re all awful. These three look like a three heads of the apocalypse cover band. They know all the hits, but lack soul. The end is nigh, but no one gives a damn. Bernie will dispatch each of them, with prejudice.
UP HILLARY BATTLE
Hillary Clinton couldn’t beat Bernie in a drag contest, much less a knife fight. First of all, she looks like a teletubby. Just look at her big stupid huge head. She a teletubby.
Now, Teletubbies hit. My niece loves them. Might make a decent president. But they can’t fight with knives. Naw. She’s too round and her face too big a target. Bernie will have her eyes cut out faster than she can delete an email.
If Hillary could knife fight she wouldn’t even be in this race. She’d be in prison for murderin Monica Lewinski. Now before you say “she’s too classy” or “she didn’t care about that,” remember, she’s from Arkansas. When you take a ride on an Arkansas woman’s man, she gonna cut you if she can. That’s a actually country song I think. Hillary either can’t work a knife, or don’t have fight in her. Them’s just facts. Bernie cuts her up uglier than when whoever cut up her hair.
With his loose dress shirt billowing in the wind, Bernie absorbs Hillary’s blows into the Oxford shirt from the 1986 Sear’s catalogue. Try as she may Hillary never catches meat (Let us pause here and celebrate that sentence). Bernie’s counters land deftly.
As Hil retreats, her shoes tangle in her pantsuit legs. This particular ensemble was cut to hang just above the ground with a 3 inch heel, but Hillary opted for a much more practical 1 inch knife fight appropriate shoe. Unfortunately, she didn’t retailor the suit and she trips on the extra inches.
Bernie stands over her as she bleeds and struggles. His knife to her neck, he stops short of ending her. She begs for mercy, and to be vice president. “You may live,” he says, “but you shall never lead.” In the distance a bell begins to toll. A black crow lands on a dead tree’s branch and stares into the fray. “Cawwwwww.”
Hillary screams wildly and with one swift move, uses her knife to take her own life.
“She died as she lived,” the people will say. “Like a man.”
Donald Trump is next to be dispatched. Trump likes to brag about what he’s good at (everything), and what all he’s done (all there is to do). But if we break down his actual accomplishments and contributions to the world, he’s really only ever done one thing well: negotiate. From money to buildings to swaths of Russian pussy, the man has talked a lot of things that shouldn’t have happened into happening. It’s truly and genuinely impressive.
But. You can’t negotiate a knife wound.
The Donald: I hear what you’re saying Mr. Knife but have you considered…
Knife: *cuts his stupid face
The Donald: I seem to be bleeding. Julie get my Rolodex. Let me see if I know anyone who knows this blood. Maybe I can talk it out of leaving my…
Knife: * keeps cutting him. Blood keeps flowing
The Donald: you drive a hard bargain Mr. Knife. Tell you what. Why don’t we…
Knife: *literally cuts his tongue out
The Donald: *murmuring
Knife: *stabs throat until Donald’s lifeless corpse is drained of all blood. It lies listless in the pale sunlight, his skin is orange and serene. His hair piece stands up, looks around, and slinks off into the ether. Did it even exist?
Bernie burns the Donald’s clothes and feeds his body to the poor. They rejoice and tear the orange flesh from the frail bones, singing church hymns while a marching band plays “Flight of the Bumble Bee.”
Now that Big Bad Bernie has dispatched those shitty, weak, front running foes, there is only one enemy remaining: Ted Cruz.
Ted Cruz actually scares me. Both in terms of potentially winning this fictional knife fight, and also just generally in that he exists in reality and probably has access to knives: he is a terrifying man.
You know he knows how to use a knife – he clearly used one years ago when he killed the real Ted Cruz, cut his skin off so he could wear it as suit over his demon body, and carried on as if nothing happened.
Real quick I need to take a moment to say that I’m not kidding. Ted Cruz is literally a demon. His real name is Glorathicka. He is an ancient hell demon from the unholy eternal realm of Balthazord, banished to Earth in the 1750s for inventing cigarettes. His King, Gerlock, who loved cigarettes, took pity on him and opted not to destroy him when his bride the Queen Slytheria died of lung cancer. Gerlock banished Glorathicka to earth as a compromise.
Glorathicka Ted Cruz is a formidable opponent for Bernie. First of all he knows a lot about knives. In the 80s he dated two circus performers at the same time who taught him a lot about switchblades. One of them died of hepatitis C, the other, a broken heart. Secondly, demons are eternal. It’s an uphill battle.
He will injure Bernie. Oh, there will be blood. But Bernie won’t have a problem getting his licks in either, though. The problem is, in order to return demon Ted Cruz Glorathicka to whence he came, you have to land a blow directly into his heart. But no one has ever known where it is.
That is, until now.
Bernie starts by striking demon Glorathicka Terd Cruz multiple times in the torso. Green blood and the screams of Virgins leak from the wounds. But the beast seems unfazed. He almost thrives on the pain.
He counters our hero. Catching him with various slashes right to left, left to right with his crucifix knife. The demon cares nothing for the knife’s symbolism, but his fans – hordes of fat mouth breathing piles of flesh in business suits – seem to love it. Their cheers ring out like a war cry, rallying the demon onward.
Bernie is injured badly. His blade and his fear hang heavy. How do you destroy that which thrives on your attacks? How can he expel the demon by piercing his heart when Ted Cruz Glorathicka clearly doesn’t have one?
Enter one Micheal. Aka big mike. Aka killer Mike aka one half of the jewelses. See, killer Mike has Bernies back- it is written.
He also knows a bit about demonology. Just when it looks like Bernie is really falling back in the fight and bloodied up, Mike appears in the corner and busts an encouraging rhyme with the secret weakness hidden in the lyrics:
Pushed up on a demon fightin
Bernie trying Bernie knifing
I ain’t scared bitch
Ain’t got no time for crying
Get to cuttin or get to dyin
You Gotta find the heart of a man
Gotta get to a heart if you can
The way to slay any demon man
Is to crush this fool like he’s the last known last foe
Plant dagger with swagger into that assholes big toe
Boom. At this signal, Bernie will jam his righteous blade of Joshua into the right big toe of Glorathicka, with accuracy and cunning.
The demons heart is pierced and the demon is destroyed. His body will disintegrate as he faded into nothingness.
Bernie, sweating swearing and bleeding falls to his knees and curses a God he doesn’t believe in.
The Sun sinks in the west. An eagle cries victory in the distance and the Untold hordes of the masses join and sing in unison Bruce Springsteen’s “Born to Run,” because “Born In the USA” was too easy and Ted Cruz was born in fucking Canada.
Honorary knife fight referee Antonin Scalia’s corpse lifts Bernie’s bloodied right hand into the air and declares the jaded Jew the victor. We are all saved.
37 thoughts on “Which Presidential Candidate Would Win In a Knife Fight?”
I can’t believe no one has commented on this! I await the flood and refrain from any comment only to bookmark because I’m a lurker and weak!
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If everyone else is like me, the reason there are no comments is……we are unworthy. Dang I go NO words on this one. Drew. you tell a story like a teenage girl who’s been raised on D&D and I love it! Never knew Libs from my own culture. Thanks guys keep it up!
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There are no comments because these mugs don’t read!!
Wow! This shot up my nose and wreaked havoc throughout the synopsis of my furthest interconnecting neural pathways. It’s a mess, and I want more!
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Probably the best political blog I’ve ever read.
YES!!!! Keep it up!!!! Finally more speaking my language!!!!
Look, as much as I love Bernie, I have to admit he is soup-eatin motherfucker. Based on the arguments Trae made, I’d have to say Hillary would definitely win the knife-fight, even over Ted Cruz.
yeah, because Hillary wouldn’t have any problem cheating and hiring a sniper to take him out during the fight.
You guys forgot to factor in the part where Hill sheds her human flesh to become the bird beast harpy that she is. She carries two sets of natural blades beneath her human disguise. She wins the knife fight, but has Bernie’s corpse blessed by the rabbi of his family’s choosing. Drumpf’s body puddles like a plastic bag of hog meat left in the sun. Tedrick gets dragged to Hell by Fidel Castro and forever tortured, because his dad likes to pretend he was a soldier in the Revolution, when everyone in Cuba is like, “That stupid little prick? Hardly.”
Indie white soccer mama in Los Angeles with bulletproof executive coffee snorting outta my nose all over the keyboard and nice new monitor. Bulletproof coffee is made with coconut oil and fucking grass-fed butter so the crap all over my equipment is gon be nasty for some time. Best boob-jiggling post I’ve read in weeks. (With underwire bra – they were still all over the place). This whole “election” being really one of the funniest historical Trauma-dies we’ve ever done seen. Thanks guys.
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Damn! That was better than Jon Stewart (I sure do miss him).
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Kinda hoping you run a contest where the prize, a ‘shine party hosted by youse in the winner’s backyard, goes to your new best fan. That, of course, would be me.
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I love language and words and the ideas they express.
This was beautifully executed, easy to follow, fantasy.
I liked how Hillary died… like a man 😉
I’m DYING laughing! This is fantastic!!
This is the greatest thing i’ve read in my life!
I just watched one of your videos and I loved it! I dig the blog also. The whole redneck thing you have going is cute! Oh yeah, I have a question about rednecks and family affairs. Since you are a comedian, I don’t want to assume that you are an actual redneck because it could be part of your act. But,we all know it’s not an act but I just wanted to put that out there. My question is about incest and your experience with it. Are sexual relations with male and female family members viewed as sex with strictly one family member or multiple? I would have to be multiple because if sex with your brother gets old, there should be no problem with you gettin with uncle Bobby Joe, right? I mean, as long as you are having relations with a family member, there should be no hard feelings. But, I’m no backwoods inbred retard that runs his mouth making ridiculous accusations about other people because they support a better Presidential Candidate. OK, I just had to bounce around some insults since you tried. But, who’s keeping score? Exactly. I tried to watch the entire video of your failed attempts to sound as if you may have your GED, but it’s painfully clear that you only have a fourth or fifth grade grasp on how words are used. So, with that being said, it’s your turn to watch a video. And it’s entirely about you and everyone that think alike. An associate of mine, a voice of T.A.R.2 and a man that is not reciting a bunch of garbled mess that he heard on TV or some person say. Everything that this outlaw says is FACT. And I know that’s a new word that’s beyond your years, that’s why I will help you. FACTS, more than one, or A FACT, one, means REAL, PROVEN, TRUE, VALIDATED, ETC. THIS VIDEO IS NOT JUST FOR YOU ONLY. ITS FOR YOUR FRIENDS, LOVERS, I MEANT, FAMILY. FRIENDS AND PEOPLE THAT THINK YOU ARE FUNNY, I THINK YOU GET THE IDEA. BEFORE I GO, I HAVE TO SAY THIS, I KNOW THE KIND OF PERSON YOU ARE AND THERES A STRONG POSSIBILITY THAT YOU WILL READ THIS AND GET YOUR FEELINGS HURT. ITS NOT HARD TO OFFEND A LIBERAL LIKE YOURSELF. SO, I WILL NEVER KNOW IF YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO WATCH THE VIDEO I LEFT YOU THE LINK FOR. I WILL KNOW IF YOU WATCH IT. WILL YOU LIBERAL UP AND PLAY IT SAFE AND NOT WATCH IT OR WATCH IT. So, I truly do hope you know that there is nothing wrong with people that don’t think the same as you. It’s Ok to have your own opinions. It’s not OK to point fingers and call people hurtful names because their opinions are different. It is perfectly acceptable to support any Presidential candidate that you like. It’s wrong to cuss, spread lies and hate people that support a different candidate. You and so many others have are doing everything our corrupt government wants you to hate people that don’t think like you, hurt those people not like you. Have you ever heard of America being referred to as the land of the free and the home of the brave? America doesn’t exist right now. America is a country where people have the right to choose, the right to a peaceful protest. America at one time was a country where people used to agree to disagree and that was accepted by every citizen. America today, like I said, does not exist.
you are aware Trae has a master’s degree, right? reality trumps opinion every day. u showed urself a fool with your statement that he sounded like he might have gotten his GED. Master’s Degree. ur one of the idjits he’s talking about, and you proved it yourself; making up stuff about somebody that you could know if you just bothered to find out first. Not a great world view, there, kid.
Freedom of speech is a wonderful concept. It is exercised in an unlimited variety of ways. This particular variety seems to have placed a burr in your behind. I didn’t write “ass” because you wrote, “it’s wrong to cuss” and I wanted to show a little bit of respect.
I laughed so hard I choked!! Best thing I’ve read today!!
Can’t stop laughing!
Seriously… You know he knows how to use a knife – he clearly used one years ago when he killed the real Ted Cruz, cut his skin off so he could wear it as suit over his demon body, and carried on as if nothing happened…. I DIED – this is pure gold, keep it up!!!
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As a New Orleanian, I live on a purple island surrounded by a Red Sea. Thanks for reminding me that masters of southern prose still exist. And are hilarious. “A Confederacy of Dunces” redux. Please keep it up. You make us proud.
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Aw man this is wonderful. Love it love it love it!
Damn fine medicine gentlemen, thank you!
In this vast wasteland called the Internet, I have found an oasis! Keep on keepin’ on, guys!
I haven’t laughed so much in years. This puts a whole new perspective on the political arena.
I chuckle a lot but not often do I guffaw and laugh uncontrollably….(my neighbors may call it a cackle)..this had me crying with laughter…how have I not heard of you guys yet….
Just by sharing these obvious insights, my sperm donor won’t speak to me anymore…raised across the River from Trae where they hunt “them that ain’t us”. I tip my hat to the last best hope for future shit-pot stirrin’ like the Monopoly Man from down here in GA…where we had a Klan rally today. I’da gone but no one had my back for the spit-ball rally I was planning…seems the older I get the less spit I can keep in mouth anyway. With all due respect…
The Orange Hitler bit murdered me.
Also the entire part about Ted Cruz.
I am crying actual tears this was hilarious
Drew–your stream of consciousness writing is mind-blowing! do u plan those lingual journies or do they just come to you? funny funny stuff
Bzzzzzzzzzt, wrong answer bob, people from smarter political parties know the man from Carson Cutlery’s would make mincemeat outa doze mouses.
I have not laughed so hard in a long time. I absolutely love you guys?
“When you take a ride on an Arkansas woman’s man, she gonna cut you if she can. That’s a actually country song I think.” and “orange Hitler” …I’m on the floor
The only pain point I have here is that the mystery of the hairpiece isn’t solved. Did it exist? DID IT?